Part III
Again baby, how can I even start to put together how I love you?
I know that you do not understand. I know you think you love me more, but truly you do not, I’m not trying to be sweet baby. Just seriously.. I love you more. Everything you do, brings a smile to my face, even knowing you’re playing basketball, makes me happy. And literally everything reminds me of you, because we talk about everything. Food and Life and stupid things. You have grown to be the most important part of my day. I cannot stand, waiting for a reply from you. It drives me nuts, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I do. Completely(: It’s just so agonizing to me, I love you so much and I cannot bare the idea of you not in my day. I need you to keep me calm. It upsets me when we are not texting, even for 5 min. (I’m Ridiculous) but honestly I wanna pull my hair out and scream to the sky in pain when you forget to respond. I get so emotional and angry and hostile. But I bottle it up. Because I know I’m unreasonable, so I don’t dare make you deal with me. I keep it inside, tucked away quietly, and eventually it vanishes honestly. It’s easy for me to let things like that go, it really is. And my philosophy is that our time here on earth is too short to argue over shit, but my ego pushes me, it makes me want to be right. I feel like arguing with you all the time. But the sun is not out long enough for me to be selfish. I tend to be selfish. With you, when ever you say anything that does not have to do with me, i get offended. and it’s because you have been the perfect boyfriend. you ALWAYS go out of your way to make me smile. You help me. You’re all I have, want, need. I feel like you depend on your.. smoking to get you through a day, and I depend on you, I do not think you’ll agree but that is how I see it. and most of the time you are perfect and you bring joy to my heart and you make me smile again and you fix all my broken edges, by just being you. You babe, are amazing like that. when I feel like crying you just, make me all jittery. and I swear to god, the last time you called I nearly had a heart attack.. I thought I was gonna run out of air and pass out. And the moment I heard your voice, my heart started racing. I hadn’t felt like that in so long. I was nervous as shit talking to you, as if we had not talked about hundred times before, but I swear it was amazing. But all that made me want, was you babe. I hate that you do not call so often, I completely understand and accept why, but I hate it. with a burning passion. It made me cry so much, almost every night for months, there would be tears. A long night of tears that i could barely make through, i cried myself to sleep many times, just hugging and holding and cuddling my big pillow pretending it was you. sometimes I believed it was, and for a second, I would be content. Then I would remember I was alone in my room with a pillow a blanket and hope.
But I realize now, it’s not the no calling that upsets me, and its not the Texting-Back-Late either. It’s your absence. I can’t stand it, just like you cannot, but in me, it manifests through little things, it seems like i’m never upset about the distance because i let out my repression through those outlets, i’m always slightly ticked off at you.. every day and you do not see it because I do not want you to. But god i get hurt and angry and quiet (that is a red flag. I get quiet when i’m truly upset and i’m thinking) . But all this time, I see that it’s the distance that hurts me baby. and I am not longing for someone to touch or talk to. I’m missing you. You’re everything to me. Do not take that lightly, I mean it. i’m so serious when it comes to you, anything you ask for i’ll do baby. You are the missing piece. the bit I cannot control. There are too many reasons I love you. But mostly it’s us. The way we are around each other. The way you compliment me, so fucking sweet and funny and kind. I have never given a fuck about anyone else. I get nauseous when I think of anyone else. You are the sole holder of my heart. This feeling is so strong, it’s more than you know. I wanna share my life with you babe. I really cannot be without you. there is this feeling that runs through my body when I think of you. I’m upset that I cannot explain my feelings any better than to say, perfect. You’re handsome. funny. sweet. nice. sexy. dirty. casual. awkward. understanding. loving. mean. tough. sporty. accepting. supportive. confident. and so much more. I love you babe. with all my heart.
-him
-My love
-Gilbert
